How To Talk To My Partner About My Emotional Needs

​Learning how to handle emotions can be a bit like herding cats. If you want them to stay put they will often fight you or wander away. When you let them get away they may wreak havoc somewhere else. Have you ever wanted to remain happy and un-jaded in a relationship all to find that a few months go by and you are no longer happy? Or maybe you were angry in a moment and your partner said something and it vanished, then later you rediscovered that thing you were mad about actually really did make you mad! What do you do with these emotions running all around? How can you make sense of them and how do you talk about them with your partner?
 
One way that is almost unanimously accepted by all platforms of personal growth and development is to let them be. Do not reject your feelings, do not wish them away, over indulge, or sulk for too long; simply let them be, welcome them, learn from them and let them go. Like cats. They will come on to your lap for a time, then out of nowhere just jump off.
 
Here are a few points that can help you discuss your emotional needs with your partner and actually feel heard, cared for, and understood. I would write it from man to woman or woman to man, however I believe that bringing to light two different essential personality qualities for the sake of this post may be more helpful and relevant for this topic.
 
According to Myers Briggs personality meta models, personality types have one of these two qualities as a predominant default: thinking or feeling (really generalizing here). When a personality is dominant in thinking skills their feelings may be harder to access. When a person is dominant in their feelings, their thoughts behind those feelings may be harder to access and conversations with a thinker type may be difficult or like pulling teeth. With that said, here are some helpful insights to guiding conversations about emotional needs when your partner is a thinker type.
 
When your partner is a thinker:

1. Set some conversational boundaries and expectations. You will want to set up a certain amount of time, a topic, and expectation or desired result for your talk. This type of methodical or calculated preparation may seem very dry, heartless, or boring to the feeler, but for the thinker it is the most important thing! Setting realistic expectations makes them feel good about going into the conversation, especially having an idea about what it entails for them and when it will end.
2. Stick to what you suggest you will do. Sticking to the limits will help your partner feel respected and valued for their contribution. For the feeler, this may be difficult to do because the feelings want to run all over the place and have an endless conversation that ends in wine and laughter at 2am. The thinker, would not necessarily be into this, unless he or she expected it ahead of time.
3. Be sure you know what thoughts or judgments you have made and where your feelings are coming from. If your partner is a thinker, his or her thoughts can help support your emotional needs, but only if you are aware of and take full responsibility for the thoughts you are bringing into the conversation. If you only speak of your emotions, it may come across like speaking gibberish to your partner. Come with concrete facts and judgments and ask for support in helping you feel better. Just be sure that your partner will help your thinking, it is up to you to allow that direction and allow the new emotional charge to set in.
4. Draw out emotions from your partner.  It is always nice to return the favor and ask what your partner what he or she “thinks” of any situations with which he or she may be dealing. You may actually find those emotions hidden between the lines of his or her thoughts. Be attentive and genuine. Feeding back the same energy given is a great way to stay connected and feel emotionally supported and loved.

 
Emotions come and go. They can be violent. They can be gentle and subtle. They can be destructive or they can be used constructively. Be smart when it comes to your emotional health. If you feel as though you are not getting the support you need from your partner, it doesn’t necessarily mean all bets are off. Continue to discover what emotions mean to you, mean for your relationship, and how to use them to improve and create the best life. Emotions are amazing when you can channel and use them all (even the tough ones) to your benefit.